What we take for love
There is such a famous joke. An elderly professor returns home after a visit to the doctor and tells his wife: “Darling, what you and I have considered orgasm our whole life, the doctor considers an attack of bronchial asthma.”
In life, this is what happens. No, what is an orgasm, unlike an older professor, we all know, problems arise with the definition of the concept of “love.” The situation resembles the one described by the classic: “Not everyone in our country knows why Pushkin died. But each child will tell you how to make varnish. ”
So, the most common misconceptions associated with the word “love”:
Misconception First. I love only one person. At the same time, I am indifferent to other people and to myself, as a person. This is Love.
No, this is not love. Psychologists call this attachment as a symbiosis. Another name for this feeling is expanded egoism. Very often, this type of “love” is experienced by the mother for her “son”. Each of us has observed ugly manifestations of such love thousands of times.
The second error. Two burn with passion for each other, finally finding the meaning of life in each other. Here it is, love has come.
No, that is not love yet. This is a temporary condition that accurately indicates only a high degree of previous loneliness. Something like this behaves a man who walked for a long time in the heat and, finally, found a bench in the coolness of the park. Aw, it will pass.
The third error. I am proud of my partner, because, well, just look how smart she is! Not that these are all. I have been looking for such a person for a long time. This is true, adult love.
No, this is not love. This is a dependent relationship, based on the exploitation of the merits of a partner. Well, if not apparent, not imaginary virtues. And it will turn out completely stupid and insulting.
The fourth error. Love must be eternal. They lived together all their lives – they had love.
No, it was not necessarily love. More often – the opposite. Love is not described through the category of time.
So what is love?
Well, firstly, love is the opposite of interpersonal dependence. Realized? In principle, the realization of this one provision already is enough to boldly set off for life and not make silly mistakes that later lead to tragedies.
But clarifications are still needed. The well-known psychologist Mikhail Litvak was indignant at one very harmful stereotype of thinking, often instilled in girls during their upbringing. Once, during a consultation, he asked a teenage girl a question: “What are you planning for the near future?” The girl, unaware of a trick, replied that she wanted to meet a person who would … But Litvaka was angry with this formulation for a long time, and therefore he interrupted the girl: “Why do you want to“ meet a Man who would …, ”he said,“ why don’t you plan to first become a “Man who would …?”
In short, this can be reduced to the following formula: “Love is a feeling that is born of strength, not of need.”
Common reasons people leave loneliness and find a mate
The first reason. People do not have enough of their own salary to complete the repairs begun in the apartment. Politically correct slogan: “The house needs a master!”
Variant of the first reason. People do not have enough salaries to hire a housekeeper. Politically correct slogan: “The house needs a mistress!”
OK, but just don’t tell me anything about love. And at the reception with a family psychologist, you also have nothing to do. You are not a family, you have a self-supporting enterprise. Go to a lawyer.
The second reason. A person who does not have faith in himself, lowly evaluating his personality, seeks protection in the person of a partner and, as a rule, finds … a tyrant. Volodya is our city, Dragon, we ourselves are stupid.
You need not to the registry office, but to the psychologist. Your problems with your parents gave rise to low self-esteem. To marry such a disease in the anamnesis is like hoping that a conjugal bed, thanks to its holiness, will somehow cure syphilis.
The third reason. A person is dependent on approval, on the assessment of his environment. The environment, however, believes that this person needs to marry for self-realization.
Everything that is done from under the stick generates aggression. Aggression will not slow down to spill on the spouse.
The fourth reason. “Escape from the world.” Millionaire didn’t work out of me, I will be retraining in management houses.
What is there to say? Getting married is not an escape from the world – it is a double burden on your shoulders. Only the walls of the monastery reliably protect from the world. Maybe you go there?
Contrary to popular myth, a loving couple may part. How do you know if there was real love between these people or was it an addiction relationship? Contrary to the common myth, the separation between the lovers is painless. The breakdown of those who were linked by dependency relationships is always scandal, tragedy, conflict and long depression after.
Under what condition can healthy love arise,
devoid of a neurotic component?