The whole truth about people suffering from addictions and their loved ones
The topic of addictions is one of the most painful topics. Families in which this problem exists is not a joke. But science, psychology does not stand still, it develops, then it is science, in order to make new discoveries based on unhurried observations.
And in the last decade an almost revolutionary discovery has been made – the main problem is not created by the addicts themselves – they are just the ill-fated “obviously guilty”, on which it is convenient and logical to blame all possible accusations … The main problem is created by the independent, but the dependent, then there are their close people.
Now in the science of psychology, a person who suffers from the fact that someone close to him is ill with one or another addiction, such a person is closely regarded by psychologists as the most important patient in need of treatment in the first place.
Notice, not the drug addict needs treatment in the first place, but his “old sick mother with her lips blue from adversity and an empty wallet from which the pension was stolen”.
Roughly speaking, the “old sick mother” is the main evil, as psychologists found out, and they found it together – under this statement, psychologists of ALL schools “sign”.
How did it start?
It began with a simple observation of a strange phenomenon. Psychologists who work in conjunction with ordinary doctors noticed at once that people with severe psychosomatics and simply with severe chronic diseases, attention:
tend to create and maintain SO-dependent relationships with people around them.
It’s simpler: “sick” people who are being treated for various diseases in the clinic necessarily have a relative in the house suffering from DEPENDENCE, even if they are dependent on themselves.
Even simpler: she is “all so sick,” and her husband is an alcoholic. (Option – son – drug addict).
“What’s so surprising?” You exclaim. Brought – that’s the patient.
No no no! Attention once again: the doctors observed this: when they got to the clinic, being torn out of their family, these co-dependent people organized co-dependent relationships in the clinic either with the medical staff or with other patients.
(There are many co-dependent relations; not only the conditional “addiction” refers to them, but more on that later).
What is co-dependence?
Very simple: co-dependence is any cohesive relationship. A special case of cohesive relationships is the tragic relationship of a conditionally healthy person with a relative (or other) addict.
Moreover, a co-dependent person (“conditionally healthy” relative or friend) often possesses such qualities as:
propensity for “salvation and heroism”,
propensity for self-sacrifice,
on a mandatory background: complete or partial lack of personal self-identification,
and often sexual identity.
(What is “lack of sexual identity”? I’ll give vivid examples: this is a man running “for milk” and washing dishes for a family consisting of three women besides him, this is a woman who has been wearing a comb for years in her bag prongs and dresses in men’s shoes).
What exactly do the “fused”, “co-dependent” relationships that such a person is inclined to create? Simply put, what is so bad, what is the danger of such a co-dependent relationship?
these close relations do not contribute to the development of independence of the second partner,
do not contribute to his independence,
“Overlap” his work, creativity,
they generally ignore the unique identity inherent in the human person as such.
For both partners in the course of such a relationship arises: a general steady feeling of losing oneself, dissolving in one’s own self.
How do all future addicts (like alcoholics) come about?
First, a close relationship should arise. Both partners must live in them for some time. And then the one who is weaker (the one without the gleam of “self-sacrifice and heroism” in the eyes) will quite law abidingly become an addict, choosing for himself some pretty addiction to your taste and wallet …
What does it take to cook this dish that no one needs – a person with a heavy addiction? That’s when the first bell rings – attention!
The family in which the future addict is raised should have the following qualities:
it should include persons who have already entered into a co-dependent relationship, and who believe that they “cannot imagine their existence without each other,”
an alternative to the first is the second symptom: the attention of two “enemies” is drawn to each other as the cause of “all your misfortunes” (“YOU break my life …”)
in such families, the personal boundaries “I – you”, “Mine – yours – ours” are very blurred or absent.
The most common case of co-dependent relations in Russia
By tradition, Russian culture cultivates very close family relationships when the family is in no hurry to settle for several generations. This custom comes from the communal laws of the Russian countryside – at one time the land was “cut” by the number of eaters, so the richest man was the one with 30 people in the hut – he received 30 pieces of land.