A medicine called “Listen”
The great psychotherapist Carl Rogers made a very big contribution to the development of not only his industry – psychology, but also managed to greatly change our world.
Do you agree that from century to century our world becomes more humane, it becomes easier, more pleasant to live in? Well, did you even notice that criminals are now not executed in the square, and corporal punishment has been abolished in schools, children specially hired for this are not being whipped with rods?
So, the world is changing for the better not “by itself”, as “by itself” spring comes in nature. The world is always changing for the better through the efforts of individual, lonely-standing people, whom no one is helping at this moment, but also hindering.
I called these people lonely because often, their friends, teachers and like-minded people are only books written long ago, but contemporaries, that is, living people, though they talk and even drink with them, can’t help.
So Carl Rogers was one of those people to whom we all owe a “warming” to the moral climate in our world, the adoption of new laws, and the change in values for the better.
Carl Rogers made some simple ideas. Here they are:
Psychotherapy at the present stage of its development should be understood differently than it was understood before. Psychotherapy is not a profession of “someone”, but a new way of life of “everyone and everyone”.
You can answer all your life questions and enrich yourself simply by listening carefully to what other people say, even very “simple” ones.
Just by listening to another person, you can save him.
Not all of us know how to listen for real, listening needs to be learned, although for some this skill is given by nature.
Just many hours, the so-called “naive” listening to people, turns into a psychotherapist a person who even has two education classes.
In general, Rogers tried to avoid the word “psychotherapist”, he used the term “facilitator,” which in translation (rather clumsy) from English means “facilitator”.
Rogers came up with a wonderful metaphor to describe the life of each of us on this earth. He likened a man to a prisoner who was sitting in solitary confinement, as Edmond Dantes sat in the castle of If.
This prisoner man every day with timid hope taps the walls of his cell, sending Morse code a single message: “Does anyone hear me?”
And if suddenly one wonderful day hears a knock: “Yes,” then he is instantly freed from his total loneliness, and (according to Roger) he again becomes a human being.
What is real listening? Let’s list and remember its basic unshakable principles. Only those who truly listen and hear are those who:
does not evaluate
Doesn’t try to change the one he is listening to (this is non-directive therapy)
does not take responsibility for his life.
Parents and their children
Our first listeners are our parents. And most often it is they who violate all three basic principles of true listening. Parents:
take responsibility for our lives. (“You dishonor me, stop yelling, I am ashamed to walk along the street with you,” says the mother of a two-year-old boy).
They listen to us, only to then immediately begin to try to change us,
Evaluate us (Coward, wimp, fool).
All this leads to the fact that children stop telling their parents anything at all or tell only what parents want to hear (“the right information” or simply speaking – a lie).
But do not blame your parents for the fact that they did not have the skills of competent listening and taught us to lie. In doing so, they rendered us invaluable service – they prepared for life in a society in which they themselves grew up. Indeed, only people with autism are not able to lie at all, their brain is so arranged – the corresponding centers are not developed.
But an autist needs a companion for his whole life, and you are so strong, go to the store yourself. So do not scold your parents, they did everything for you that they could – they taught you to lie in a world built on lies.
However, once you become parents, learn to still listen as you should …
Anyway, your child will learn to lie (unless he is a clinical autistic), but the benefit from competent parents will be great.
Worst of all, if the person you “listened” understands two things:
that you take him for a person who he is not at all,
that you “heard” what he did not say, but what you said did not hear.
What happens to a person who is competently listening?
He has the opportunity to perceive his world in a new way.
He is able to continue his Path.
It is becoming more open to the process of positive change.
And what good is it that you listen to other people?
Here is what Carl Rogers wrote about it: “When I really hear another person, I touch him, and this enriches my life. “Everything that I know about people, about personality, about interpersonal relationships, I learned by listening to others.”