They say that children can’t forbid anything … (These are humanists and “Spokovites”)
They say that children should be kept in tight rein. (These are traditionalists).
Let them say … We will not interfere in the conversations of the townsfolk, we will turn to a high psychological theory and listen to what it tells us about the problem of parental prohibitions.
Everything is very simple. There are only three types of parental prohibitions in terms of psychology. And they are all harmful.
Of course, everything must be approached wisely and understood – what is really meant when it comes to the harm of parental prohibitions. Therefore, we do not recommend arranging an indignant discussion with juggling and citing exaggerated situations as an example (just out of a desire to argue and fool around). We recommend that you calmly think and draw your own conclusions.
The first type of parental bans
Allow your child to easily burn or prick on a sharp object – once. Do not tell him a thousand times how dangerous it is. He still does not understand anything.
Let the teenager get drunk once – he will understand how stupid and unpleasant it is. Do not give him lectures on the destructive effects of alcohol on the liver and brain – he still will not believe it and will fall asleep from boredom during your lecture.
The first type of parental prohibitions is when a parent shifts the FUNCTION OF RETAINING FROM PERFORMING UNWANTED ACTIONS onto itself.
It turns out this is what. Someone, instead of a child (FOR him) takes on the function of control over dangerous and negative life situations. Why then should a child develop such a skill in himself?
As a result, ABILITY FOR INDEPENDENT CONTROL OF THE WORLD’S SOURCES does not receive reasons and conditions for development.
This was proved by the great scientist Lamarck, already in the 18th century. “Unused function – atrophy or dystrophy.”
The child grows up into an adult. This adult (knowing that he is doing “something wrong”) cannot stop himself – he is not able to!
The second type of parental bans
This is a constant and tight control over the PROCESS of performing any positive action. This is a ban on starting your own timer. This is when for some reason there is only ONE alarm clock in the house, and it stands in my mother’s room.
Mom from the kitchen: “Are you doing homework or are you picking your nose? You have four more exercises and not learned English! ”Why does she even know how many exercises you have left?
Mom from the kitchen: “Are you going to school or do you want to be late for the control to Anna Ivanovna?” Why does she even know what your mathematics teacher is and her temper?
With such vigilant control over important processes, the child loses (cannot form):
A. the ability to monitor the situation,
B. the ability to evaluate their own actions,
B. An adequate understanding of one’s own capabilities.
(Can I, watching TV until three in the morning, the next day, come to school at eight?)
This means that without an external urge, such a person (already an adult) will never get together to leave somewhere at home and arrive on time, will never do the necessary amount of work on time and completely.
In order to somehow succeed in this life – he will try to find a wife who will take over the functions of a mother – “Mom-mistress of the only alarm clock in the house” …
The third type of parental bans
These are prohibitions on the independent and arbitrary activities of the child as such.
It is rare, but … often. How do you feel about such a sad pun? This type of prohibition is almost a psychiatric pathology. But we live in a society where the psychological pathology of many people is the norm, transmitted as a family value, as a tradition.
The essence of the third prohibition is reduced to the subconsciously pronounced installation of parents: “You can’t do anything right without me.”
The child grows up with the thought: no matter what he does, it turns out to be obviously wrong.
But, fortunately, Nature is wisely arranged. And often such children act on the principle of water. They leak out, easily lay a channel for themselves where they can naturally flow, and not where the dam built by the parent stands.
Why do many children choose their hobbies (and profession) away from the sphere in which their parents succeeded?
Why daughters of the “big culinary experts” do not know how to hold a knife in their hands?
Why do the sons of football go to nerd programmers and vice versa?
This is done exclusively by those children who are under the harmful influence of this very third type of parental ban.
If they are told all the time (aloud or to oneself): “You cannot do anything right without me,” then what remains to such children?
It remains for them to choose that rare sphere where their parents are so weak, so not strong, so incompetent … that even with all their pathological desire … they consider it pointless to climb into an unfamiliar area with their advice and criticism …
So what should you ban your children?
Or rather – how do they need to “prohibit” it?
The conclusions are yours.