“We ate well today” or how to raise a neurotic from a child
Some mothers have such a habit of annoying normal people: talking about their child “WE”.
The habit of saying so arises for a reason. She always goes hand in hand with a certain style of upbringing and lifestyle … The parent cannot and does not want to see in the child a separate Person, not like himself.
What causes the bad habit of not separating your child from yourself, and yourself from your child?
It leads to the fact that a grown up person begins to observe one very serious personality disorder:
Personally impaired ability to build boundaries!
In order to explain with a striking example what “violation of the construction of borders” is and how it disfigures a person, I will tell you a very famous (textbook) case from psychotherapeutic practice.
In one patient, in all its complex and diverse problems, the correctional psychologist traced the basic problem – a personal violation of the ability to build boundaries. Yes, just that.
And then the psychologist decided to give his patient a test to check whether he made the diagnosis correctly.
A therapeutic metaphor was used as a test. Now you will know what it is. The therapeutic demonstration metaphor is a simple creative task, riddle, question, joke – that is, a mini-model of real life situations in a general way.
Solving this comic puzzle, a person demonstrates how exactly he solves his life problems in general. This is a bit more like a Zen koan. The master from the monastery puzzles the novice with an absurd task, and he comes to the understanding that the earthly mind cannot solve this problem. But we were distracted.
So, the patient with the alleged violation of the construction of boundaries was offered the following task:
“How to put a spoonful of tar in a barrel of honey so that the taste of honey does not deteriorate?”
(I wonder how you would answer this question?)
The most common correct answer to this problem is to place a tar spoon in a tightly closed jar, a bag and lower them, hermetically sealed, into a barrel of honey …
it took the patient forty minutes to solve this problem!
How did personality disturbances prevent him from coping with this simple task?
The patient, like all neurotics, began to fantasize to the detriment of himself and his survival. That is, he independently entered into the conditions of the problem a limitation that was not present there!
For some reason, the patient decided that no jars and sachets should be used — he could not and tried to “shove” a spoon in the jug of honey with which the tar was flowing …
This patient had in the past a very close (symbiotic) relationship with his mother, as it turned out from the anamnesis.
It was just those relationships that begin with the phrase “We ate,” and end with the mother choosing shirts for her son at the store in his 30s …
In the relationship between mother and son, everything turned out so that any manifestations of his own desires other than his mother’s ones, and he and his mother, were considered as the LACK OF THE SON OF LOVE …
If you translate this into the language of psychology, then in their relations a ban was imposed on the very existence of the boundaries between them!
This model (Mother – child) is a model for constructing a more general model, which is then projected onto relations with the world.
There was simply no concept of boundaries in the patient’s mind.
That is why he suggested that using ANYTHING to SEPARATE honey and tar is forbidden.
The patient’s life passed as a series of “mergers”. He completely merged with this and that …
This pattern of behavior led him to a huge number of emotional dependencies on the people around him. People did not like this, and they drove him …
The inability to build borders (a ban on building borders!) Led the patient to the fact that he did not know how to separate the present from the past, work from the weekend, sex from love, his desires from strangers, honey from tar …
If you, the reader, are a young parent and have already been noticed in the inappropriate use of the pronoun “we”, ask your relatives to fine you every time you do not want to see a separate person in your child.