Breaking up a relationship as a way to overcome a conflict with a child
So, the situation with your child is at an impasse. You no longer know what to do – nothing helps. You have already explained to him a thousand times, “they talked in a good way,” you tried to agree, and even on the advice of some psychologist “wrote a contract and hung it on the wall” (it was about the fact that he takes out the trash every day, does his homework and sits on the computer no more than two hours a day). Once you could not stand it and smashed his phone against the wall, and he threw a glass of pencils at you … Deadlock. Nothing helps!
Then and just then – the “two-step technique” from the yard of my childhood.
– The situation is at an impasse! – you acknowledge and declare. – I did this and that, it does not help, and we all see it! It only gets worse and worse! Therefore, for starters, I just stop doing everything that I did (a). Explicitly, simply agreeing with all adult family members (they are probably tired of conflicts no less than yours). And honestly informing the child: I can’t take it anymore! Exhausted. I’m tired All. All! Done! Two! Step back!
They drove to school under escort – they stopped driving. They demanded to show the diary in the evenings – we do not demand They took the gadget – we do not take it away. They gave a gadget in exchange for something – they stopped giving it. They screamed every night – they stopped screaming. They lifted them to school with a bucket of cold water on their heads – they stopped raising them. Gently persuaded – ceased to persuade. They never talked about feelings – they started talking (not to him, into space). Zadolbali all their feelings – shut up. A simple pattern: they ceased to do everything that they had done on this field before. In the limit:
– Good morning, Petenka!
– Good night, Petenka!
And that’s it.
They assigned themselves (and everyone else) a period of two, three weeks.
You (and the rest of your home) are just relaxing these weeks. Come to yourself. At the same time, it is possible to talk “about nature, weather and crop views”. If the child himself came to you with a question or problem – accept, clearly and briefly answer. If the question: “Buy me an eighth iPhone” is the answer: “I won’t buy it” (it’s up to you). If the question: “Can I go to my friends’s cottage for an overnight stay?” – the answer: “I wouldn’t want you to go, but I can’t physically detain you (it’s not in your power), but I’ll scream and conflict more no forces. Decide. ” If the decision is made in your favor, do not forget to give a positive feedback – there are chances, the child, the teenager also wants to keep, to consolidate for more than two weeks an unusual, non-conflict existence.
That’s the whole technique. By itself, it does not solve any problems, but it really allows breaking the “vicious circle” of self-reproducing, exhausting and not leading to anything constructive family conflicts.
But, resting from conflicts, mentally you, of course, work. During these three weeks, you (and your family) need to formulate a plan on how to live on. Moreover, the plan should be for the entire time remaining until the child is growing up. If, for example, he is now 14 years old and he is studying for a solid “two,” then the “before the army” plan is for four years. Understand for yourself: what are you doing and what are you not doing? And again: there, in this regard, there is nothing about “he should”, there is only what you (and other relatives) are doing. For example: if you study at a technical school, we feed you until it graduates. And if you don’t study, then at 16 we give a passport in the mouth, and you go to get a job. You settle down, we live peacefully, like adults — everything is fine, although we, of course, will support education and will do everything possible if you get together. If you don’t get a job, we feed minimally (without paying for the Internet) until eighteen and until we are able to exchange an apartment and give you a room. Then you leave there and meet in American style – for a Christmas turkey. Any attempt to somehow settle down normally in life: work, study, etc. – you can count on our full support.
Or any other plan that is convenient and feasible for you (family).
For example: yes, do what you want while you’re alive, I’ll bring you coffee to bed in the morning and turn on the gadget, but as I die, settle in it myself, I still won’t see this.
The most important thing: then you really do what you planned and honestly informed the child about. If you doubt that you can do this or that, the plan should initially be different. Only that which you have no doubt in reality and feasibility.